Tom Purcell, 7/9/2007 [Archive]

My Terrorist Doc

My Terrorist Doc

By Tom Purcell

"Hiya, doc. Thanks for taking time to see me. I think I tore something in my knee and wondered if you could look it over."

"The problem is that all you western swine are weak in the knee! All of you are corrupt and evil and that is why I and other doctors plot your murder!"

"Huh, doc?"

"What I meant to say is that you are getting older now, Tom. You need to slow it down. Tell me, when I press on this spot does it hurt?"

"Ouch, doc. That hurts."

"You want hurt! I'll give you hurt -- the kind of hurt your people give to my people with your imperialist ways. You should know that when you next enjoy a beverage at your neighborhood pub, I will blow you and your friends into the next life!"

"Huh, doc?"

"What I meant to say is that you have strained a ligament, Tom. I will X-ray it to get a better understanding, then I will apply my medical training to restore you to good health."

"Great, doc. You studied in Iraq, didn't you? Isn't it wonderful that you could move to America, a free and open country, and enjoy such a good life?"

"Ha! I move here to plot the destruction and murder of the American dogs who stand in the way of my religious vision! I and a handful of other fanatics will make you embrace my vision or die! Under the guise of nurturing good health, I plot and plan and one day I hope to kill you!"

"Huh, doc?"

"What I meant to say is you are right, Tom. America is a great country. It is my great honor to serve -- in fact, according to Independent Catholic News, Muslim doctors take an oath to devote their lives to serving other humans, God's most precious creation."

"Wow, that's great, doc. American doctors embrace such an oath, too. What a great profession yours is to be able to save and nurture life."

"Nurture life, Tom! Ha! Didn't you see the article in the Telegraph? A group of 45 Muslim doctors have threatened, in Internet chat sites, to use car bombs and rocket grenades within America! We apply our sharp intellects to devise new methods to kill you -- clever methods that no free and open society can prevent!"

"Huh, doc?"

"What I meant to say, Tom, is that you are right. There is no greater gift than to nurture life. That is why being a doctor is such a perfect cover. We can hide among you, pretending to care and give, when what we are really after is your death!"

"Huh, doc?"

"You American pigs do not understand who we really are! We laugh at you. You think it is the poor and uneducated among us who strap on vest bombs and sacrifice themselves for the cause."

"Doc?"

"But that is not so at all. Our ideology cuts across all classes, all geographies all levels of intelligence and education. You fail to understand what we are trying to tell you -- that we want to kill you. We WILL kill you unless you accept our teachings."

"Doc?"

"You decadent Westerners are corrupted by the excesses of your culture. Your people are confused and unfocused. You are ignorant, too -- you do not understand what we are trying to tell you. We will kill you while you sleep!"

"Doc, I'm not sure I follow you. You're talking about my knee?"

"Yes, Tom, your knee. What I meant to say is that you need to rest your knee and pack it down with some ice. I want you to take two aspirin. And, if for some reason our car bombs fail to detonate and you survive the night, call me in the morning."

Tom Purcell is a humor columnist nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons. For comments to Tom, please email him at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

RESTRICTIONS: 'Tom Purcell's column may not be reprinted in general circulation print media in Pennsylvania's Allegheny, Beaver, Butler, and Westmoreland Counties. It may appear only in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review and its sister publications."



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