Peter Funt Peter Funt, 8/13/2015 [Archive]

Trump's Exit Speech

By Peter Funt

We're all certain this is coming, we just don't know when. It could be weeks, even months. Or maybe it won't be until after a few bruising primaries. But Donald Trump has it memorized, and it goes like this:

Today I am officially withdrawing my name as a candidate for the Republican nomination for president. While I would have won handily over the pitiful group of GOP whiners, and easily been victorious in the general election against the unfeminine fraud Hillary Clinton, I have concluded that I can do more to help America through my powerful role in the private sector.

This is a great country, but we've lost our edge. The rest of the world looks at our political process and laughs. They wonder why someone like me, who has the business savvy to turn things around, has to spend so much time on a debate stage surrounded by morons. If we can't do a better job running our elections, how are we supposed to run a government?

The eventual Republican nominee will have to thank me for engaging so many voters and delivering a wake-up call to America. I singlehandedly brought 50 million eyeballs to the first debate!

I saved Fox News, which, frankly, had peaked before I entered the race. I told NBC not to fire the sissy Matt Lauer when they were about to do it. I reinvigorated the career of that clown Charles Krauthammer, although I probably shouldn't have done it because his commentaries about me have not been very professional!

My platform was stronger than anything the wimps running the GOP have ever contemplated. I want a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out the drug-dealing scum. I want us to stop trading with China. And, when you boil it down, that's about it. Mark my words: other candidates will now quickly lay claim to my positions!

Let me clear something up about women and their so-called rights which, frankly, are a distraction when the nation has important matters to deal with. I love women. I admire the attractive ones and treat the ugly ones cordially — as long as they're nice to me, unlike the slob Rosie O'Donnell and her lesbian sympathizers.

I have run beauty pageants, I've hired women to serve drinks at my hotels — and let me say I pay them more than they probably deserve, but I don't mind, as long as they treat me with respect.

I expect the next president to call upon me for advice, as they all have over the years, whether they admit it or not. And if I want them at a wedding or the grand opening of a golf course, you can bet they will be there.

Although I am not wasting any more time with the Republican political charade, I have not ruled out running as a third-party candidate in 2016, and I have formed a committee to make plans for my run in 2020. Meanwhile, I'll be monitoring the current campaign and posting @realDonaldTrump.

You should thank me. And God bless the Trump organization.

——-

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, "Cautiously Optimistic," is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com.©2015 Peter Funt. Columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate.

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