Danny Tyree, 7/1/2015 [Archive]

Cosmetic Procedures: Are You The Holdout?

Tyrades!By Danny Tyree

Remember when gray hair made one appear distinguished and sage? When every facial line told a proud story?

In 2015 the story the lines tell is, "Once upon a time, a boss hired a sweet young thing, but now she's so haggard she's scaring customers and pit bulls."

In April of 2012, I wrote about the Naked Face Project. Apparently those anti-makeup activists haven't made much headway, because the June 29 "Time" magazine cover story ("Nip. Tuck. Or Else.") reveals a reality in which "everyone" (including males) is getting some sort of cosmetic procedure, putting intense pressure on the few holdouts.

Where once we snickered at hicks who bathed only on Saturday night, it's now okay to assume those who haven't had some combination of breast augmentation, buttocks augmentation, nose alteration, Botox injections or fat-melting procedures just fell off the turnip truck.

Yes, cherish those brief years between "Act your age" and "Look someone else's age."

The phenomenon has been buoyed by more sophisticated techniques (with less scarring), payment plans ("Does she or doesn't she? Only her loan shark knows for sure"), informative programs such as "Extreme Makeover" and that harsh lighting you find in some restaurant restrooms. ("The waiter SAID the dessert was to die for. But apparently I already did that three or four days ago.")

Cosmetic procedures are no longer just an option. They're a civic duty, a moral imperative. Participants must be up for a crusade, proclaiming things like "I've been to the mountaintop (of credit card debt)" and "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're droopy-eyelid free at last!"

So complicated is today's minefield of cosmetic procedures that consultants charge up to $500 an hour to select the right mix of tweaks and the fits-like-a-glove physician, so you can keep your friends from gossiping about your appearance behind your back. Of course that has led to consultants who will charge your friends $500 an hour to recommend NEW things for them to gossip about behind your back.

We're facing a new Cold War, as patients escalate the competition for the most cutting-edge technique, the most highly rated doctor and the most frequent treatment schedule.Soon, people will fight aging by tattooing their first sonogram on their face.

(Alas, some of the people who need help the most are the least likely to seek it. How about a more proactive, mandatory movement — a "catch and release program"? Forget butt lifts! Let's put some federal money into LOWERING butt cracks of the worst offenders.)

I once considered getting hair implants, so I'm not going to sit in judgment of any individual who genuinely thinks she/he has a genuine need and funding for some cosmetic procedure. It's like one person dropping a candy wrapper or pirating a song. But when HERD MENTALITY takes over, we could face a whole new divisive system of "haves" and "have nots." Beauty may be skin deep, but a caste system is ugly clean to the bone.

Perhaps my friend Tyrone can put things into perspective. ("Sorry to hear about the folks who were once mistaken for their children's grandparents by a busy, nearsighted 15-year-old clerk. I myself was once mistaken for a serial rapist. By 15 racist cops. So I feel your pain...OUCH! No, that's still MY pain. But power to the trendy people!")

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© 2015 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page "Tyree's Tyrades". Danny's' weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.



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