Will Durst Will Durst, 12/4/2006 [Archive]

And They're Not Off

And They're Not Off!

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

I startled some guy in the next lane at a red light when I shouted at my radio today. A semi-famous network newscaster had come on opining how Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack could easily take the 2008 Iowa caucuses as a favorite son, resulting in a subsequent focus on South Carolina, which is John Edwards territory and this might all work out to upset the Hillary Clinton Applecart Express. AAIIIIEEEE! The guy next to me barely missed a covey of walkers as he peeled out.

I mean, okay, I know, political projection is as predictable as a spilt glass of milk before nap time at a daycare center for hyperactive four year olds. But for crum's sake, a little common human decency, por favor. We've barely finished showering off the crap flung in the midterms and need a moment or so to send our clothes and our souls out to the dry cleaners. Or burn and bury them, then buy new ones.

You'd think these pundits could use a bit of time off themselves. Enough slack to recycle a few lame sports analogies and plant a couple of specious rumors. At least until the New Direction Congress is inaugurated. The 110th doesn't even start work for more than a month. Shouldn't they be able to break the seal on their stack of monogrammed Post-It Notes before we start talking about an event occurring at the very end of their term? I've seen jailhouse marriages with longer honeymoons. Just ask Duke Cunningham. Or Bob Ney. Or Mark Foley. No, second thought, best not ask Mark Foley.

Is it too much to ask to wait until a mere 22 MONTHS BEFORE the election to start handicapping our next national foray into the depths of depravity and degradation and accusations that make up a Presidential Sweepstakes? Apparently not. I bet even the Cartoon Network has a show speculating on the '08 frontrunners in the race to replace George Bush. Even though most of the supposed competitors haven't even taken off their sweats yet.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The extraordinarily ambitious have been running since November 3rd of 2004 (does the term Junior Senator from New York have any meaning here?). Who cares? Let them. Let them rot in the frozen fields of Iowa and New Hampshire in the middle of this winter. But let them do it alone. Because except the poor beleaguered citizens of Iowa and New Hampshire, it doesn't matter. Speaking for the rest of us, I have one word for all you long term prognosticators: shut up!

I DON'T CARE. If Bill Frist or Russ Feingold have dropped out. If Clinton or McCain or Edwards or Romney or Giuliani has or hasn't formed an exploratory committee. If Barack Obama pitches a tent on the South Lawn. Not only don't I know who Duncan Hunter is, I don't want to know. People, we're talking two whole years down the road. A lot of crap could hit the fan in two years. And you know these guys. They have a history of not just finding and flinging crap, but splashing and soaking in it. Give them a wide berth. That's all I'm saying.

Comic, actor, writer, former radio talk-show host and cave-tour guide, Will Durst, thinks anyone dropping out this early was running the same way he's running for Pope.

Columns distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate, www.caglecartoons.com.

Catch Durst in stand- up mode at the Death Penalty benefit at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco on Thursday Dec. 7th.415.928.4320. (It's anti- death penalty, by the way.) Or listen to his twice weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst. Email Will at durst@willdurst.com.

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