Dick Polman, 2/9/2016 [Archive]

Rubio's Brain-Embedded Computer Glitch

By Dick Polman

I so yearn to dwell in Rubio World that when a store clerk asked me, "Will that be cash or charge?," I duly replied: "Here's the bottom line. This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true."

Marco Rubio - the alleged Boy Wonder, the supposedly surging "establishment moderate" - needs a Genius Bar booking at an Apple store. Based on what we've seen the past couple of days, the computer chip that his tutors embedded in his head is glitching as egregiously as an iPhone dunked in bath water.

If you didn't watch the last GOP debate, it all started when Rubio was asked to name his "accomplishments in the Senate." That's actually a toughie, because he has no real accomplishments. So all he could muster was, "I'm proud of my service in the United States Senate," a remark that's lighter than a breeze-blown balloon.

Then, moments later, his software kicked in and his mouth disgorged the usual pre-chewed brain food.

"And let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing," Rubio repeated. "He knows exactly what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world."

Chris Christie quickly assailed Rubio for being a typical showhorse senator who only makes speeches and proposes bills. Rubio lashed back by correctly pointing out that, under Christie, New Jersey has suffered nine credit rating downgrades. But then his software glitches again.

"But I would add this. Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing," Rubio said. "He is trying to change this country. He wants America to become more like the rest of the world. We don't want to be like the rest of the world, we want to be the United States of America."

Christie happily clubbed him again "I want people at home to think about this... the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him."

Rubio's turn. After briefly rebuking Christie for failing to rush home during a blizzard, he glitched again, repeating, "This notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. He knows exactly what he's doing."

Remember the malfunctioning robot in "Alien" who spewed fluid after getting clubbed in the head? That was Rubio, who again glitched and went back to his Obama "knows what he is doing" routine.

Would there be a fifth rote recitation? You bet. An hour later, Rubio was whacked by Christie while trying to explain why he fled from his own '13 immigration reform bill and couldn't hit the Escape button. "I think anyone who believes that Barack Obama isn't doing what he's doing on purpose doesn't understand what we're dealing with here, OK?" Rubio repeated emphatically."This is a president - this is a president who is trying to change this country."

So how will Republican voters treat such a spectacle?

"It was a display of panic at a moment of uncertainty," wrote Conservative analyst David Frum, a former George W. Bush adviser. "Faced with a genuinely new situation, Rubio could not figure out what to do - and so stumbled into doing precisely the wrong thing."

But hey, for all we know, Rubio will get votes for his "message discipline" and uncover a big market for a talking-point robot. If so, I do want to ensure that I'm in sync with Rubiothink.

I will start right now, with this cup of coffee. It tastes bitter because of Barack Obama. Its taste is a disaster deliberately imposed by Barack Obama. It tastes like the rest of the world, not like the United States of America. But next year we will have great coffee again, in the single greatest nation in the history of the world. But I would add this. And here's the bottom line. But I would add this. And here's the bottom line. But I would add this. But here's the bottom line. But I w-

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Copyright 2016 Dick Polman, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Dick Polman is the national political columnist at NewsWorks/WHYY in Philadelphia (newsworks.org/polman) and a "Writer in Residence" at the University of Philadelphia. Email him at dickpolman7@gmail.com.

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