Will Durst Will Durst, 1/30/2009 [Archive]

The School for Scandal Version 2.1

The School for Scandal, Version 2.1

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

A politician making lemonade after being pelted by a bushel of media-chucked lemons is as familiar as red yarn on the handle of a black bag on the luggage carousel at O'Hare. But few alive have seen the likes of Rod Blagojevich. Not content to stir up a nice, cold pitcher or erect a simple stand, the former Illinois governor is challenging Minute Maid's supremacy in the field of citrus concentrate. Refusing to exit the stage quietly after removed from office, he instead has gone on the offensive. Some might argue the 52-year-old Democrat has given a whole new meaning to the word 'offensive.'

His fruity crusade began after being impeached by the Illinois Assembly on a vote of 114- 1, leaving many to wonder: who the hell was the 1? His barber? No. Turns out it was his sister-in-law. After all, she's got years of cranberries and stuffing to share with the guy. Then, in spite of delivering an impassioned-yet-loopy closing argument, the State Senate voted 59-0 to convict and booted Blago right off his gubernatorial perch into the long, snaking lines of the newly unemployed.

Because of his inspirational theatrics, every former playbook for arrogant politicians accused of scandal and disgrace has to be thrown out the window. So, if you ever find yourself caught dead to rights, here's a revised list of the top 10 actions to take. The classics still apply. None of the following will work without being applied to a base of: deny, deny, deny. Remember this is about survival. Follow Master Blagojevich's lead. Chances are he will make more from his book deal than he ever hoped to extort from his constituent victims.

10. Hold a press conference to read a poem. Stay away from the arty crowd like Verlaine, Rimbaud or Sylvia Plath. Pick a heterosexual who didn't commit suicide. Someone classy, like Kipling.

9. Remember who is the victim here. You are. Claim a vast left or right wing conspiracy. The more fantastic the presumed motivation, the better, such as: they had to get rid of you in order to raise taxes. Or they kicked you out because you knew too much.

8. Two words: The View.

7. During all media appearances, carry a Bible. If no one's going to buy that, try Winston Churchill. A book by him. Not desiccated pieces of his mummified corpse.

6. Witch Hunt. Keep repeating the phrase: Witch Hunt. Which hunt? This hunt? That's right. Witch Hunt. Occasionally throw in an 'unconstitutional' as well, just to break it up.

5. Compare the effect on your family to a national disaster. Pearl Harbor. RFK's assassination. The day CBS canceled 'Dallas.'

4. Keep telling the press that you CAN'T WAIT to tell your side of the story. Then never, ever, ever get tricked into telling your side of the story.

3. Can never go wrong blaming lawyers. Fire one of your defense attorneys. 'Though convinced of my innocence, he was terrified to offend the powers that be.'

2. Lump yourself in with other oppressed leaders like Gandhi. Nelson Mandela. Martin Luther King. Joseph Stalin. Hah. Last one was a test.

1. Finally, the number one reason you can't quit is you don't want to send the wrong message to your children. 'This is not about me. This is about standing up for the kids. And the elderly.'

Will Durst is a political comic who occasionally writes a little. This is one of those times.

Copyright© 2009, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Sales at (805) 969-2829 or e-mail sales@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, 'The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,' is available now from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his 'Burst of Durst' 60 second videos at YouTube.

Oh yeah. Purple Onion. Friday. Saturday. 140 Columbus Ave. San Francisco. 94133. 415.956.1653. purpleonioncomedy.com

Download Will Durst's color photo - Download Will Durst's black and white mug shot photo
Why not run a cartoon with the column? We recommend the cartoons below as a good compliment to Will Durst's topic.
Click on the thumbnail images to preview and download the cartoons.

Related Cartoons

Gov. Blagojevich Senate Seat Color
By: Daryl Cagle
Slate.com
December 31, 2008

Gov. Blagojevich Senate Seat Color
By: Daryl Cagle
Slate.com
December 31, 2008

The Fall Of Blagojevich-COLOR
By: R.J. Matson

January 30, 2009

The BlagojeView-COLOR
By: R.J. Matson

January 26, 2009

The Fall Of Blagojevich
By: R.J. Matson

January 30, 2009

The BlagojeView
By: R.J. Matson

January 26, 2009

Blagojevich on Rushmore COLOR
By: Mike Keefe
The Denver Post
January 27, 2009

Blagojevich on Rushmore COLOR
By: Mike Keefe
The Denver Post
January 27, 2009

Blago
By: David Fitzsimmons

January 27, 2009

Blago COLOR
By: David Fitzsimmons

January 27, 2009

Blagos Believers COLOR
By: Gary McCoy

January 6, 2009

Blagos Believers
By: Gary McCoy

January 6, 2009
   

We do not accept and will not review unsolicited submissions from cartoonists.
Sales & Information: (805) 969-2829 sales@cagle.com
Billing Information: (805) 969-2829billing@cagle.com
Technical Support: support@cagle.com

FREE cartoons for your website if you're already a paying print subscriber!
Artwork and columns are copyrighted by each creator. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited. [Privacy Policy]