Will Durst Will Durst, 4/4/2008 [Archive]

The Puppy Party

The Puppy Party

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn't be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she's been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don't really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn't for three weeks and they're caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex, and like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can't help themselves.

The media chorus is as insistent as a 3 a.m. car alarm: 'It's time to go. Leave now while you have a shred of dignity intact. You're ruining it for everyone. How can we hug and kiss Barack when you're still wrestling with him, you sweaty old hag?' She, in turn, has put a brave face on her acknowledged uphill battle, comparing herself to Rocky Balboa, but seems to have forgotten, that in the first movie, Rocky loses. To a black guy.

The Left has long held a deep-seated need to fall in love with their candidate, and while people may respect Hillary, she's as cuddly as a stainless steel teddy bear. Dora the Diaspora. A burlap banky. Besides, like her beloved Chicago Cubs, there is always next year. Say the GOP does bury Obama like a bone in the backyard of the 2008 election; she can run in 2012 on the 'I told you so' ticket.

The Democrats have only themselves to blame for getting locked into this steel-cage death match of theirs. Due to an inability to stifle an insatiable urge to comfort and coddle. Like everything they touch, they insist on treating primary participants like a litter of newborn puppies with learning disabilities. Shar-Pei puppies. The cutest kind. As opposed to the Republicans, who have more of a warrior slash-and-burn kind of philosophy. You win a state. You get the delegates. All the delegates. No whimpering. Shut up and sit down, Mitt.

The Nanny Party, however, rewrote the rules to make sure nobody accidentally gets their feelings hurt. Because every one of us is special. You win a state, you get SOME of the delegates. And if you come in second, you get some too. Third? You bet. Have a couple delegates. Take one of the short ones. Fourth. Fifth. Sure, what the hell. And counseling is available. Everybody's a winner here. Because this isn't about electing a president, this is about sharing and caring and nurturing. Nobody goes away feeling like a loser in the Democratic Party. Except during the general election, that is.

Hell, the Dems even figured out how to defy math. In the Nevada caucuses, Hillary received 51% of the vote compared to Obama's 45%, but Obama won more delegates. Well, there's your problem, people. Simple arithmetic. Apparently, not one of your strong suits. And they still wonder why they lost in 2000 and 2004.

Why is it such a bad thing that this might not get sorted out till August in Denver? After all, isn't that what the conventions are for? And we haven't even addressed the whole superdelegate mess. Of course, if the superdelegates had any sense of theater, they'd enter the convention at the Pepsi Center wearing tights and capes. But then the pledged delegates might feel less special. And require therapy.

Comic, actor, soon- to-be author, Will Durst, thinks Hillary Clinton is this close to becoming a stalker.

Copyright© 2008 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Sales at (805) 969-2829 or e-mail sales@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, 'The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,' will be available soon from Ulysses Press. Catch Durst's blog, 'Atmosphere,' coming from the 2008 Masters Tournament @ masters.org.

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