Will Durst Will Durst, 5/26/2007 [Archive]

Hillary Campaign Theme Songs

Hillary Campaign Theme Songs

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

We, members of the CCJU, the Comics, Clowns & Jesters Union, can currently be found moping around, wearing an excess of black, plunged into a state of funk that can only be called 'pre-mourning' as we anticipate the end of what will surely be known as the Golden Era of political humor. The reign of George W. Bush is nearing an end. Destined to go down in history as the worst president EVER, and that includes William Henry Harrison, the guy who gave a three-hour Inaugural Speech in the rain, caught pneumonia and served 30 days supine in a sick bed until becoming the first president to die in office.

The Bush administration would give its eyeteeth to be looked upon as possessing that kind of successful legacy. He was, is and shall be for 20 more months, the Full Employment Act for Political Comedy. Like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid. He's Quagan, and sharing the first four letters with quagmire only adds to the fun.

So the end is near and woe is we, and in three or four years our careers will mostly consist of inquiring, 'You want lids on these?' But wait. There's a glimmer of hope flashing on the hill. And yes, I am talking about THE hill: Hillary Rodham Clinton. Who just offered up the choice of her official presidential campaign song into the hands of we, the great unwashed. And if you don't think that's the comedic equivalent of a batting practice fastball lobbed right into our wheelhouse, you wouldn't know a comedy premise from roasted sesame paste.

Of course, the Hillster has attempted to limit our selections to certain pre screened songs. 'Beautiful Day,' by U2. 'Get Ready,' by The Temptations. 'I'll Take You There,' by The Staple Singers. Smash Mouth's remake of 'I'm a Believer.' Five others. Bunch of typical, lame-ass options, if you ask me. Little creativity and not much of a window for laughs. But that's why we get paid the big bucks. To open that window wide enough for all of our fat, lazy humor butts to squeeze through. Brace yourself. Open wide. Here goes.

A few optional tunes that might goose the Junior Senator of New York's campaign not to mention help with the whole perception that she has a rod up her butt the size of the John Hancock Building.

ALTERNATIVE OFFICIAL HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SONGS:

Why does Justin Timberlake have to be the only who's bringing

'SexyBack'? Hunh? Go for it, Hill. Or how bout 'You Can't Always Get What You Want,' by the Stones? Let your contributors down gently. Want to rekindle the past while still grasping for the future? Alter Bill's old song into 'Don't Stop Thinking About Yesterday.' Need an anthem? What better anthem is there than Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive'? For some comic relief: 'I Got Friends in Low Places,' or 'It's Too Late Baby.' But no, better save that last one in case Al Gore decides to jump in. I got it: 'The Theme from Shaft.' Maybe too candid, as might be Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back.' But if Senator Clinton wants a little payback with her pomp and circumstance, imagine the look on Bill's face every time he's stuck on stage while the orchestra introduces her, the candidate, by kicking out Mitch Ryder's 'Devil with a Blue Dress.' Heh heh heh. Thanks, Hillary. This looks to be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and audience wrangler, Will Durst, thinks Ms. Clinton could also acknowledge the obvious; 'Fat Bottomed Girls,' by Queen. After all, they make the rocking world go round.

Copyright© 2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will's performance schedule and listen to his twice-weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst. His new CD, 'Ring Toss For Aliens,' is exclusively at iTunes Audiobooks for a limited time. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.



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