Will Durst Will Durst, 2/25/2008 [Archive]

Lumpy and Hucky

Lumpy and Hucky

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Just when you thought the Republican primary was all over but the shouting, along comes The New York Times with a potential bombshell about possible indiscretions that may or may not have involved John McCain and a woman who does not necessarily look unlike his wife. But don't let that fool you; the charges aren't that solid. Murkier than 8 mm footage of Sasquatch grilling on a Cayman Islands condo balcony filmed from a boat across the harbor on a foggy night. The only certainty is the Gray Lady managed to unite the Conservative Right to fight the reviled shared enemy they represent. Isn't that just like the liberal media elite? Throwing synthetic dirt on the hill to make Obama's comeback climb even more impressive.

McCain's response to the suppositious exposť about ostensible malfeasance did provide his wife, Cindy, with serious face time to demonstrate that she was more than just the blonde lady who looks like the head stewardess for Republican Air. And the fact that the lobbyist in question, Vicki Iseman, is her doppelganger, simply means John has really good taste in Stepford Wives.

Over at the Mike Huckabee camp, the shouting is tinged in desperation. But still this Energizer Razorback Bunny refuses to give up. As the former portly former governor from Arkansas says, we've entered the 'survival of the fittest' phase of the election. Strange talk from a man who doesn't believe in evolution. From my perspective it seems more like a 'gnawing off one of your legs to escape from the coyote trap' phase of the election.

The GOP is down to a man who believes humans and dinosaurs walked the earth together and another who can refute that since he was there. Huckabee explains away his Sisyphean perseverance by saying he doesn't believe in numbers, he believes in miracles. The hell does that mean? He's waiting for God to smite John McCain dead? Don't laugh. It could be working. I got to tell you, I'm worried about the good Senator from Arizona. He don't look so good.

Not just the deer in the headlights grimace at his recent entanglement-denial press conference. I don't know if you noticed but the lump in his face that he had surgically removed a couple years ago is back, and it brought its big brother with it. Looks like he's hoarding nuts for the winter. That can't be good. Generally, I find people are rather disinclined to vote for a president who resembles a marsupial.

This is particularly distressing because, let's face it: Lumpy is not a young man. At 72, he'd be the oldest white man to ascend to the presidency. What does it say about a country when the president's motorcade continually holds up traffic doing 30 in the fast lane with their left blinkers on? State dinners held at Denny's on Wednesdays to take advantage of the senior discount? His campaign slogan: 'Hey, you punks, get off my lawn.'

The allegation by the Times could be a speed bump or a spike strip to the front wheels of the Straight Talk Express. After all, McCain's major attraction to independents is his credibility. And his steadfastness, best exemplified by his early support of the Iraqi surge and his expectation for us to be there for 100 years. No big surprise. We still have a base in Cuba: a residue from the Spanish American War, which ended in 1898. Ask John McCain. He was there too.

Copyright© 2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Sales at (805) 969-2829 or e-mail sales@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, 'The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,' will be available from Ulysses Press in mid-April.

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