Tom Purcell, 7/27/2016 [Archive]

If Bill Clinton Becomes 'First Guy'

By Tom Purcell

Editors' Note: A prior version of this column ran in March of 2016

I surely don't want Hillary to be our next president, but I think it would be great if Bill became America's first "first guy."

How can you not like the man? He's clever and witty. He was born into modest circumstances and, through his considerable wits, achieved a fine education and navigated his way into the biggest job in the world.

The truth is, I'd love to have a beer with him. I'd love to hear about the incredible experiences he has had in his truly remarkable life ---- but only if I am assured that my sisters are out of town.

If Bill ever does become first guy, we can only imagine what kind of trouble he might get into.

He'd probably stroll around the White House in a Hugh Hefner robe, chomping on roast beef sandwiches and winking at the staff. He'd probably ban children from the White House Easter Egg Roll in favor of coeds.

Always a pragmatic politician, he'd outsource the White House kitchen to Hooters. He'd establish a Domino's franchise in the Blue Room. He'd auction the Lincoln Bedroom to the highest bidder (again).

Goodness knows what his "first lady" mission would be. Michelle Obama promotes good nutrition for kids. Laura Bush promoted literacy. Barbara Bush promoted volunteerism. Nancy Reagan promoted her "Just Say No" to drugs campaign.

I think Bill would embrace "Just Say No," too ---- "Just Say No to Hillary."

With Bill as First Guy, there would likely be many new embarrassments.

While Hillary meets the leaders and dignitaries of other countries, Bill, like all first ladies before him, would be tasked with entertaining their spouses. What could go wrong there?

First ladies often direct remodeling at the White House. Under Bill's direction, would the billiard room would become a beer-pong parlor?

What if Bill takes "Department of Veterans Affairs" literally?

America is really struggling these days. Our economy continues to sputter and our debt keeps getting racked up.

Our government's attempt to transform America's health-care system is an unmitigated disaster and nobody knows how the chaos will further harm our already shaky economy.

Our freedoms are suffering now that the government is meddling with the most personal of matters, health care, and dictating how and when we go about getting it.

Boy, do we need some comic relief about now.

But, unlike many presidents before him, President Obama is just unable to provide it. Like or hate his policies, there just isn't much about Obama that is very funny.

Like I said, I hope Hillary doesn't become our next president, but if she does, Bill would become first guy and America would get its sense of humor back.

With Bill as First Guy, Hillary would need another "don't ask, don't tell" policy ---- not for the military, but for the White House.

America would need to establish a special Secret Service detail ---- not to protect Bill from the public, but the public from Bill.

Bill would be good for the economy, too. T-shirt and bumper-sticker sales would soar. This one would be a best-seller:

"What happens in the White House stays in the White House."

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©2016 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of "Misadventures of a 1970's Childhood" and "Wicked Is the Whiskey," a Sean McClanahan mystery novel, both available at Amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Sales@cagle.com or call (805) 969-2829. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com.

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