Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

I’m guessing my brother-in-law was underwhelmed by the recent earth-shattering announcement from ESPN, Fox and Warner Bros. Discovery.

I mean, he’s the family member who posted a Facebook meme of Snoopy joyously dancing under the headline “This is me not caring about the Super Bowl.”

Back to the trio of media powerhouses: in case you haven’t heard, they announced an as-yet-unnamed joint streaming service app that would provide programming content from all the major sports leagues, plus college football, college basketball and more.

The breathless declaration was tempered by the fact that the bundle won’t be able to provide the games that have been contractually locked in by NBC Universal, CBS or Amazon. Sort of like a local merchant promising, “We pride ourselves on one-stop shopping – as long as you don’t count swinging by MacNamara’s Hardware and Ernestine’s Florist and catching Zeb before he closes the bait shop…”

Even in light of that, the app would still be a godsend for sports enthusiasts who have long sought to simplify the ordeal of locating all their favorite games out there in Streaming Land.

Granted, it’s ironic that people who expect athletes to “walk it off” and “give 110 percent” want their own endeavors to be “easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

More power to the folks who are salivating over the new service, but they need to be considerate of others. Viewers raised in a sports bubble have a tendency to see neighbors who DON’T eat, sleep and breathe sports as un-American, testosterone-challenged or in need of reprogramming after an alien abduction.

Like it or not, sports enthusiasm occupies a spectrum: from rabid fan to avid fan to casual fan to “If you don’t silence that minor league squash exhibition game on your cellphone, I’m going upside your ex-jock head with my bird-watching binoculars!”

Sure, sporting events “bring nations together,” but considering the lifelong rivalries, it’s like everyone is watching the Zapruder film and half the people are cheering for Lee Harvey Oswald!

And, yes, athletic competition has contributed to the rise of our civilization; but the opposable thumb deserves a wee bit more credit than the foam finger, don’t you think?

Sure, sports evolved from war as a means for man to peacefully strive for victory. But “Equestrian badminton: it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp lance” is not the ringing endorsement you might think.

I realize people need to unwind after a hard day at work (although our ancestors managed to get by without millionaires J.P. Getty and Cornelius Vanderbilt slugging it out in a pay-per-view cage), but viewers don’t really seem to be finding peace of mind.

The $50 or so that the new app will cost each month is not outrageous; but I still remember the halcyon days when we got the Professional Bowlers Tour and “the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat” for free and if you missed them, you muddled through until the next weekend.

Now we have a 24-7 sports environment where diehard fans are terrified that someone somewhere is seeing a game that they aren’t. I understand that extremists are even threatening violence against the hallucinogenic mushroom industry.
“Don’t lie to me, shroom-fiend! I just know you’re seeing games that no one else sees! What’s that? Woodstock the bird sang the National Anthem? Nooooooo! UFO, take me away!”

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”